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Pickles over Ottawa, sighted by billions!


Janus
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Dateline: 26/06/2000

 

Ottawa, Canada - Coinciding with the 53rd Vegetable of the Bolivian Mongul calendar, last Monday 50,000 cameras captured real video evidence of gigantic dill pickles hovering over the Parliament buildings during a governmental press conference. The strange event was witnessed by over 9 billion people, stupefyingly exceeding the population of the entire world. FROM that moment on, huge pickles have been witnessed hovering ominously over the Canadian capital. These marinated cucumbers have been coming closer and closer to the ground, allowing people to bite large chunks out of them. The Canadian Broadcasting Company, which no-one ever watches, has now acknowledged that these pickles are real and that they are all over Ontario. They have established a live video feed detailing the pickles' locations and actions. Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien has announced the pickles to be real, peaceful, and "h'actually quite delicious". I have personally talked to relatives in the area who report that they are frantically making sandwiches to take advantage of this wonderful visitation.

 

Emeril Lagasse: This is all quite interesting, and you know if you have been watching my SHOW (bam!) that pickles are quite often garlicky. It's horrible when garlic dills visit, everyone gets bad breath. But these pickles are great! Tasty, juicy, straight FROM the huge jar in the sky!

 

The US government has denied the existence of the pickles, stating that their existence was fabricated by "those brilliant, dashing, beautiful Canadians". It's one thing for a nice, boozed-out country like Canada to claim these things, but what if the pickles started visiting Mexico? Or Somalia? Then the US would have to admit the threat. Why, millions of people could stop starving to death! The world would change overnight. All human beings would be instantly transformed INTO super-intelligent pickle worshippers. Just by admitting that someone out there makes a better, huger, more levitating pickle than we can. Those kind of things could be part of a master plan of Mother Pickle to raise us up INTO a higher level of pickle-awareness.

 

 

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Aha! So, not only can the giant pickles be used for eating, but also for light! does this spell the end of our dependance on the sun as a light source? Perhaps night will soon be abolished! What wonderous, epic times lie in wait for us pawns of the higher pickle-forces?

 

Perhaps pickles will one day contribute to the science of time travel. :)

 

 

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